I’ve been thinking lots lately about pain and how i experience it. It is actually pretty weird, it does one of two things for me. Either it’s a question of Master wanting me to suffer for Him and i try every which way to suffer that pain for Him because i am His slave and i want to satisfy His needs or it’s a pain i enjoy and it makes me totally horny.

Pain i enjoy... i broached upon it in my last entry, how i feel when He squeezes my tits so hard that it brings me to my knees. Its apparently a pain i can endure, the strength of His grip brings me literally to my knees, i feel His strength, feel His unrelentlessness and it turns me on so hugely. To see His excitement at hurting me, His cock in my hand, my mouth, His hand, seeing His enjoyment. There is a lot of pain i can suffer because of that, because it turns me on so much to see Him enjoy me so much.

There is pain i enjoy just as is. His fingers are plunging in and out of me, His words, telling me i am a slut making me want to spread my legs wider for Him, the look on His face as He hurts me, as difficult as it can be i offer myself to Him time and again.

The most wonderful pain in the world is when it sends me soaring off into subspace. The only thing in my head being His touch, the way He looks at me, the way He talks to me, the pain, total oblivion, i don’t think i’m wrong in saying that’s what the most masochists are looking for, that wonderful oblivion.

The pain itself is important, vanilla sex bores me, totally. Stroke my tits nicely and i’ll probably smile politely, torture them, twist and turn and slap and whip them and i’ll be coming like there is no tomorrow. Finger me nicely and perhaps i will even come nicely but fist me while Your telling me how and why i am Your slut and all my inhibitions are gone and i’ll just ride Your hand until i come over and again.

Humiliate me and let me feel Your control and i will submit, fully. Fasten me in chains, my cunt filled with the pussyhook or skewed on the dildo stand while He walks around me, His hands teasing me, hurting me, taunting me, i’m lost.

I guess it all comes down to the fact that pain is not pain. I’m not so masochistic that i just enjoy pain, actually no pain what so ever is involved in any of the masturbating i do on a daily basis, even though it’s the feature in what i fantasize while i masturbate. It just doesn’t work without the passion of submitting.

Sometimes i think perhaps i should be ashamed, perhaps i should just be happy with some nice satisfying sex several times a week as the majority of society apparently is, but really i’m not. i’m fascinated and turned on by everything that is perverse and different. I hate monotony, i hate to have control, i love the excitement of not knowing, of being used and abused in the most obscene situations. Hmm i guess when i started out in BDSM one of the most exciting aspects to me was being forced to do the things i wanted to do but just would never dare to do.

Then i think nope nothing whatsoever to be ashamed of, i feel pretty good about my sexuality, there are far worse ways to fill life